Southern California Family Law Attorney Blog

Divorce is something that has touched everyone’s life in some way. When divorce occurs in a child’s life, it can be a traumatic and confusing time. There are steps you can take to minimize the stress and provide a reassuring environment for your children.

An honest discussion helps children understand the situation. If possible, talk to your children together. Take into consideration the age and maturity of each child to determine how to approach the conversation. Whether you and your spouse discuss your decision together or separately, agree on what you plan to say before you sit down with your children. Doing so will help ensure you won’t contradict each other or make promises impossible to keep. For example, your child may assume your decision is temporary, and you and your spouse will eventually get back together. It is important not to say anything that encourages that belief and imparts a false hope to the child.

It is natural for your children to think they are to blame for the divorce. Lovingly reassure them that it is not their fault, and there is nothing they could have done that would change the situation. Give your children the opportunity to voice their feelings and fears. Provide straight-forward and age-appropriate answers to your child’s questions.

Avoid criticizing or blaming your spouse. No matter how acrimonious your divorce is, both of you need to avoid conflict in front of your children. Don’t deliberately make negative comments about your spouse in front of your children or expect them to take sides in the divorce. Putting your children in the middle can increase the amount of stress for them.

Reassure your children that they are not being abandoned by you or your spouse. Let them know that they are still loved by, and important to, both of you. Many children are concerned about how the divorce will impact them, e.g., where they will live, will they have to change schools, or when they will see a non-custodial parent. Answer their questions, and emphasize areas where their routine is not disrupted to make the divorce less scary. Maintaining their schedule as much as possible helps them adjust to their new normal.

Let other important people in your child’s life, such as grandparents, teachers, and day care providers, know what is happening. The more people who can offer support, the easier it will be for you and your children to cope with the situation. Having a network of loving people who can offer a sympathetic ear, a hug, or an afternoon of fun reduces the stress and increases the sense of security.

For more information on how to help your children cope with divorce, contact us.